dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
