His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
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For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
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I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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