You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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