Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
