Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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