There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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