So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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