Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
