I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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