I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
