I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Couch. On fire.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
