Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
