I feel great
I just peed on a car
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize
