How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
