Betty ford says i'm here all night
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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