I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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