One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
