Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
