Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
