I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
