I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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