U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
My brain says no but my pants say off.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
