i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Randomize
