Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
