just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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