He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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