census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
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