i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
