I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
