i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
