did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
