I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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