i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
