my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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