I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
