I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I fill condoms, not promises.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
