thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
