I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
