my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
