I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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