Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
His hands were made for my vagina.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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