Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
