I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
