how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
