it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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