bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
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