Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
