she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
