I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
