I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize