is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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