rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
