you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
not ubering you a puppy
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
