ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
