Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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